You can't be a Straight A student in life, so pick 3

"Life isn't school- you can't be a Straight A student in all aspects of life. So pick 3 to prioritize."

I was a “strive to be Straight A student.” I say strive to be, because in reality, I was a “mostly A’s, but a B’s here and there” student.

In short, I was a failing perfectionist. And that’s its own kind of disaster. You want to be perfect, but you aren’t, so you’re always failing because only 100% is acceptable. You never achieve “good enough” because “good enough” doesn’t exist; just perfection. And you are never perfect. What a way to live!

When I read parenting books, a lot of authors warn against praising for skills or accomplishments, because it inevitably ingrains in the young child that they are not worth praise or love if they aren’t performing to a certain expectation. If they are praised for being “so smart,” then they begin to avoid doing anything that may prove that they actually aren’t so smart, compelling them to take less risks or challenges.

Now, being a 1st generation Asian immigrant, I can’t really say I was praised much growing up. But you’re your own worst critic, so anything below perfection was a failure. With that kind of mindset, you become more and more afraid of “falling off the railroad track” of a meticulously planned life, and find it difficult to even contemplate trying slightly risky, but potentially high-reward-yielding activities.

It’s ok to not strive to be perfect (duh)

Becoming literally deathly ill in my early 20’s with vascular tumors in my brain really changed my perceptions on the expectations of needing to be a 150% achiever in every aspect of my life. Suddenly, I realized that no matter how hard I tried, there was no way I can get straight A’s in life or in school. Not to mention, when I worked myself too hard, my body or brain paid the price later on, whether it be in form of chronic fatigue that kept me in bed, or developing a stress-induced autoimmune disorder. My brain and body began to warn me, “Stop and chill out. Your body and brain can’t do this. You don’t need to do this. Being alive is enough.”

And then another huge realization: that it was ok to not always be striving to excel… Because I finally had an “excuse” for being so lopsided in my skills and abilities. This “excuse” of missing a part of my brain (people tend to be pretty understanding of that) allowed me the get out of jail card for a lot of things. But most importantly, it gave me the freedom to “try” without fearing failure.

Expectations around my abilities post-brain surgery were fairly low. I was told that I would likely never work a full-time job, have a career or family, or become independent enough to live on my own, away from my parents’ care. When I’m re-learning to sit up, walk, and use a spoon, everything and anything on top seems like gravy.

I no longer had anything to lose by trying something and then not accomplishing it. Trying to see what happens, with safety nets to fall back on (which, on its own, is a huge privilege), became something of a “let’s see what life holds for me” experiments, where I was open to trying for the journey, not for the destination.

If expectations of my accomplishments were fairly low, then the least I could do is to give it a try, live through the ups and downs, and have a story to tell later. And I would have learned a great deal in the process. Most importantly, I felt that as long as I tried something that I felt was important, even if I didn’t succeed, I don’t have to live for the rest of my life wondering “what if” I had the courage to try. I could close the chapter on that part of life because I had tried it. May or may not be a success, but I never have to wonder and regret not having attempted whatever it was at my deathbed.

The interesting thing is, I don’t think it actually required brain surgery or my “get out of jail free” card for me to live the way I live. There are plenty of people who know the correct limits without overexerting themselves, have perfectly content lives, and take good calculated risks to reap the rewards of successes or even failures. But the first 2 decades of my life did not set me up for that kind of mentality. And it took a catastrophic failure in my physical system to do a hard reset on my expectations and outlook on life.

You have to prioritize the Top 3s for your life

I recently read in a book that people tend to want to be a Straight A student in life. But since life isn’t school, you can’t just ace all of your subjects. You have to prioritize and pick 3 to get A’s in, and then the rest can be C’s and D’s as long as they don’t negatively impact your life or family too badly. Keep all aspects of life at “good enough,” and focus your energy and passions into acing the 3 priorities that are most important to you.

My Top 3 Priorities

I thought about what my top 3 priorities in life are. A few months ago, I think financial stability was one of them. But after the emergency room scare in Taiwan with my older son, where I felt to my core that I don’t care if I lost every single cent to my name as long as he was healthy and happy, I think financial stability is nice, but we can somehow figure it out as long as we are able to work or make income in some way. (This isn’t to minimize the need or want for financial stability and money; I just realized that having financial independence means little to me if I lost my kids, so my family comes above my financial needs.)

So my Top 3 Priorities in this lifetime are:

• Family

• Health

• Ikigai

There’s really nothing without my family at this point. Its strange because just half a decade ago, I was perfectly content with the idea of being single for life, living for myself and with myself. And knew that I’d have a rich, fulfilled life. But now, I can’t imagine a life without my core family.

And health is one of those things we take for granted until one screw gets loose, and you suddenly realize how important it is for all gears to grind seamlessly. Even something as mundane as lower back pain that suddenly attacked me at midnight this week really drove home the message: take care of your (and your family’s) health, because without health, there’s a lot of obstacles in your life that you couldn’t have even imagined.

I should know this, having lived through so many catastrophic failures of my body and brain, but human mind is so convenient… You forget quickly and become complacent to the good life you have and forget how it could be with just one loose screw or dislodged gear.

Ikigai is kind of a cop out, because it can mean anything.

Ikigai (生き甲斐, lit. 'a reason for being') is a Japanese concept referring to something that gives a person a sense of purpose, a reason for living. (Wikipedia)

It can be a life passion in way of a hobby, community outreach work, raising a family, or career. Or it could be the 1 hour walk you commit to every morning with a good cup of coffee, or the sense of connection with your best friends.

The malleability of the concept is what led me to put it as my 3rd and final priority. Because I’m a very squirrel-like person. I flit from thing to thing, hobby to hobby, career to career, and never stay in one place for long. But when I’m into something, I’m really into it. In the world of hedgehogs and foxes, I’m a fox (a fox with ADHD).

I used to think this was a character flaw, until I read “How to Be Everything: A Guide for Those Who (Still) Don't Know What They Want to Be When They Grow Up” (affiliate link!) by Emilie Wapnick in my late 20’s.

Oh, here I am! Finally! I’m not broken!

She introduced the concept of a “multipotentialite” individual:

What do you want to be when you grow up? It's a familiar question we're all asked as kids. While seemingly harmless, the question has unintended consequences. It can make you feel like you need to choose one job, one passion, one thing to be about. Guess what? You don't.

Having a lot of different interests, projects and curiosities doesn't make you a "jack-of-all-trades, master of none." Your endless curiosity doesn't mean you are broken or flaky. What you are is a multipotentialite: someone with many interests and creative pursuits. And that is actually your biggest strength.

I felt like my personality and tendency was validated for the first time, and felt freer to pursue my squirrel-like tendency with life. Before, I thought all of the time and resources I drained into my studies or expertises only to flit away was a “waste” of my life, but I suddenly realized that every piece of my past added to the marble cake that is my unique mindset and experience.

I always wanted to be a writer, and was a prolific writer in my youth. But when I had my brain surgery, I was left with aphasia (language disorder), and my internal world filled with stories and “worlds to visit” disappeared overnight. Oh, there goes my life passion… Time to find something else to devote myself to…

I got a bachelor’s and master’s to become a special education teacher… And surprise! I did not work in the classroom as a special education teacher. What did I do? I moved to New York City and on a whim, and took a corporate IT job. I spent 5 years trying to become a tech bro (lol), got burnt out and very sick (remember that autoimmune disorder?), and quit and left the Big Apple. Oh, what I waste, I thought.

But now, I teach IT to people who don’t have technical backgrounds. It provides me with flexibility in my work that I never thought was possible, allowing me to raise 2 babies just a year and a half apart. It has allowed me to have level of impact I could never have imagined for myself just 5 years back, with a published book and courses that have reached almost 700,000 students worldwide.

Wow, all of my flitting around like a squirrel wasn’t a waste! Every piece of the puzzle added to creating this life! All this exploration stemmed from finding an identity that validated my existence by reading that book in my late 20’s.

Anyways, as usual, I have deviated on a tangent. I’ll let you go now. But if you’re up to it, let me know what your Top 3 Priorities are in your life. The places where you want to devote most of your energy, time, and passions to get A’s in (or at least enjoy the journey).

And right now, are you living the kind of life that lets you prioritize those Top 3’s? Maybe 2025 is the year to let your imagination run wild on how you might be able to push the limits and get the kind of Top 3 Priorities-infused life you can only dream of! As they say, if you can’t imagine or daydream it, it can’t happen, because there’s no way to work towards it.

The best part is, you don’t ever need to “achieve” the goal. It’s the journey and experiences towards it that counts, and makes a life worth living.

Keep warm!