The trip where I threw away over-planning.

A 1 month trip to Asia with 2 babies meant I had to say good bye to chronic over-planning.

Just looking at my packed luggage, you would be able to tell that I am a chronic over-planner. My diaper bag also has multitudes of things my husband would never take (he can walk out with some diapers and a large pack of wipes he swiped from the changing station).

Reading many anxiety-related books over the past few months, I recently learned that over-planning and over-packing are anxiety responses to scary future situations where I try to convince myself that if I only prepared enough for every possible problem, nothing bad will happen, or even if it did, I’d be able to deal with it because - of course - I had planned for that.

One of the positives (or in my pre-trip mindset, negatives) of going to a trip in a country across the world that we have almost no firsthand knowledge of is that you quite literally cannot plan for all of the likely or unlikely scenarios that may pan out, because it’s such a different world. Things like “it’s a public transit society” (we only ride cars), and “it’s quite walkable” (we can only walk around our neighborhoods) are things I was able to imagine and plan for, but there were so many aspects of the trip that I couldn’t have even imagined.

Flinging myself neck-deep into the new reality and new world helped me begin to think about all of my compulsions to “be prepared,” and what it meant for me to come up with every (unlikely) scenario and prepare for it. While my anxiety about the actual (unlikely) events and having to deal with them without adequate arsenal of tools was a big one, I began to wonder if it really stems from my need to feel like I had “everything under control” in order to be a “good mom.”

I was trying to protect my family and kids from some bad luck by stressing and over-planning. But did it really serve its purpose…? Or was I just stressing everyone out by being harried and cranky?

If I weren’t prepared for a diaper blow-out with 2 changes of clothes per kid, 12 diapers (8 for the day and 2 extra… oh and maybe 2 more extras just in case…?), and a whole container of wipes and it happened… Was I a horrible mother? Or could the whole situation be managed (at least until we got back to the hotel) with a swaddle or someone’s unfortunate shirt and a bunch of paper towels? (Ok yeah that is kinda gross…)

If my kid tripped and scraped his knee, and I didn’t have a bandaid and antiseptic at the ready, was I a horrible mother? Or is he just as content offering up his knee with teary eyes and demanding, “Mommy kissy”? You give his knee a kiss and the next second, he’s happily skipping off to once again engage with whatever danger that got him the scrape in the first place.

Day after day, unexpected things happened that were completely out of my control or wildest imaginations, and day after day, I found it easier and easier to think… “You know… What really is the worst thing that could happen if I… let go of the steering wheel from my death clutch?”

It’s impossible to control for every potential outcome, and yet I had convinced myself that it’s possible to be prepared for every potential outcome… if only I had over-packed and over-prepped. For the first few weeks, I spent every evening and morning frantically running around packing and repacking for the outings of the day, checking to make sure we had enough wipes, diapers, snacks, snacks, snacks, water bottles, toys…!

It got to the point that as part of his imaginative play, my toddler began rushing from one part of a room to another with his toys, collecting things, putting them down, shoving things into his bag… And I realized he’s copying my frantic anxiety-ridden morning packing rush. If my toddler has internalized it… It’s really gone too far.

Instead of having expectations and becoming upset or disoriented when they (inevitably) don’t pan out as hoped, I began releasing the need to know what will happen (because it wont happen the way I expect anyways), or to control what will happen (because I can’t).

It seems very cliche, but my soul felt a little lighter once I decided that I, in fact, am not the mastermind of the Nishimura universe, and the world continues revolving whether or not I stress myself out over-preparing and over-packing. And chances are, 99% of the potential “bad things” will not happen, and even if it did… We were never that far away from a convenience store for emergency wipes or the hotel for emergency change (or hop into a department store to buy new clothes).

There were definitely many moments that made me reconsider my compulsions, but one of my down-to-earth moments came when we had a huge (and I mean huge) suitcase that we left basically untouched for a whole entire month because everything inside it was not necessary for our trip. How is that even possible?! And yet… It was. (We vowed to take 60% less luggage for our next trip.)

I was feeling pretty good about the fact that I could be a little less anxious about every minute detail, and “release” the need to control every scene to other people or the universe. The kids were fed, slept, entertained, and safe. We were fed, slept, and exhausted, but alive.

Being on a trip on the other side of the world kind of felt like I can be cut off from the expectations of the “real world” and live in a “fantasy world” where only the present exists. Everything I worry about in the future can be put off until I land again on US soil.

Child development, doctor’s appointments, endless to-do’s, pantry restock, diaper stock, daycare events… Until then, I only have to worry about today and potentially tomorrow. But as long as we have diapers and wipes, tomorrow is probably ok…

And then… one of the “worst case scenarios” did happen. My toddler ended up in the emergency room (he’s fine).

Suddenly, my world shrank into a pin-hole, and every “problem” we had been arguing about or worrying about all became non-problems. I genuinely felt that if my babies are healthy and happy, nothing else mattered anymore.

I wanted to buy this or that, find this or that, make more money, grow my assets… At that moment, waiting for the all clear, I felt very secure in the knowledge that I don’t need anything if our family could be safe together. (I began decluttering to make my life “lighter” the moment I came home, but that’s another story for another post.)

My over-planning came into handy and I was able to retrieve a photocopy of his passport to send to my husband so they can verify his identity while I stayed at home with the infant. But aside from that, none of my other doomsday prep helped or hindered the situation. (I still recommend that everyone make photo copies of passports and birth certificates and keep a paper copy and digital copy for quick retrieval on trips.)

And we survived. We survived a toddler wanted to climb two-story-high playground structure (my husband has much higher risk tolerance for what he wants to encourage the 2 year old to do). And a wild monkey snatching my toddler’s snack bag from him. And countless expectations being unmet.

And a diaper blow-out where we were left with no extra pair of pants so I had to make swaddle-pants for the infant. And waiting for almost an hour at 6PM on Christmas Day outside for a car rental. And countless other unexpected events.

Maybe all along, all I needed was to be taken out of my “normal life” where I have the potential to control (almost) everything that happens, and be flung head-first into the world of unknowns and unpredictables to make me realize that I do not control the universe, and no amount of anxiety will help me.

The only thing I can 100% control is the now and here (and perhaps myself, but that’s not even 100% true). And maybe… just maybe… that’s ok.